"Swayze Train GTi" (swayzetrain)
12/02/2015 at 21:46 • Filed to: None
3
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"Swayze Train GTi" (swayzetrain)
12/02/2015 at 21:46 • Filed to: None | 3
| 17 |
The BMW 3 Series of the mid 2000s is a pretty good car, ruined by image. Typical owners include:
The leather jacket and aviator-wearing 20 something, facial hair meticulously trimmed to appear attractive while still looking as unkempt as the lawn of the Delhi-fresh Indian family neighboring his parent’s subdivision home.
The trophy wife of a lawyer or opthamologist, you’ll find her baby blue 328 parked outside the hair salon, meijer, yoga studio, or occasionally dropping the kids off at daycare, because covering her eyes with cucumbers comprises most of her daily schedule and is probably more important anyways.
30+year old suits with gelled hair hoping to make Junior Partner at the firm this year, while settling for the accomplishment of getting enough stars for a free coffee at Starbucks this morning. Easily identifiable during commutes, look for the suit jacket hanging in the back.
Retirees on their way to either the bank, post office, Fuddruckers, or South Florida. Notice their seating position. Generally, aside from putting the seat forward a bit, it seems they’ll keep the seat position as it came when they bought the car. Whether this is because they didn’t know they got that on their $40,000+ sedan or because they can’t stop thinking about that funny Marmaduke cartoon when they know they should be focusing on this Sunday’s sermon isn’t evident.
The enthusiast. You might not even know it’s them, they could wear the guise of any of the aforementioned caricatures. Distinguishing the enthusiast is, nonetheless, quite easy. He’ll have three pedals and his hand on a knob.
This kind of knob. Where did you think I was going with that?
Much like the Jeep I had last week, the 3-Series has always been a car built for the enthusiasts who made it so popular in the first place. Both vehicles have been hauled to the summit of the Mountain of Automotive Vernacular not on their wheels, but the backs of their rabid fans, ever espousing the values of their chosen transport. Regular, non car loving people know they want them, but they don’t know why. Much like the last donut in the box, which, even after ingesting the other 11, you eat it, because it tastes that much sweeter to have what everyone else wants.
But unlike the Jeep, the BMW doesn’t stack refinement, road handling, power, comfort, interior size and quality, and the stereo on top of each other and then stand on them to reach it’s goals. The ride is very good at highway speeds, even up to [REDACTED] miles per hour, but feels a bit rough around town, because of the sport oriented suspension. The interior layout is aesthetically pleasing, and even if the orange LED screens are a bit 90s Pontiac, they provide a comforting glow reminiscent of roadtrip nights in my father’s E38 740iL. A screen would improve looks some, but I’m not complaining. The lines of the interior make you feel snug on the inside without actually sacrificing too much room, like all driver’s cars should. Concerning my complaints, I have but two, first, the same one for all German cars: LEARN TO MAKE A FUCKING CUPHOLDER YOU SLACKING FASCISTS. From the driver’s seat, one must reach over to the passenger’s side of the dash to retrieve refreshment. Might as well have an Amazon drone deliver you a sip through your sunroof on demand, it would be more convenient. Oh, and do you know what they put where the cupholders should be? A god damn ashtray. How European is that? Hell, I smoke myself, and while I’m nowhere near the rate of a European (look down in any European city and notice the sidewalks are paved with cigarette butts), I don’t think even they need it to be the 2nd most prominently accessible item on the console behind the gear shift.
Secondly, there doesn’t seem to be any way to get the wipers to do exactly what you want. If you turn them on, they go to full continuous wipe, and if you turn the “automatic” feature on, it uses the wipers more sparingly than my Grandma used her heat in the winter. Fortunately the wipers slide across the windshield with only the slightest hint of a whisper, but I only want to use as much wiper action as I need to, damnit!
That’s the driver cupholder over there over the glovebox
Driving the car is what you expect from BMW. The steering is direct, power from the DOHC straight six comes on early and climbs linearly, and feels to be making all the power promised, even after AWD drivetrain loss. Certainly a good engine, but I’m going to nitpick here for a second. First off, the name of the car is 328. The engine displaces 3.0 L, not 2.8. In 2006, there was a 330 of the same E90 generation, and guess what? It was a 3.0. Crucially, however, the 2006 3.0 engine made more power and torque than the 2007 3.0. So, to recap, BMW removes power from their engine for spite, then realized someone was going to call bullshit, so they decided to ruin a perfectly sensible naming scheme so no one noticed they took a step backwards. The 328 doesn’t feel as though it needs more power, but I don’t think anyone would say no, especially considering the relatively unimpressive numbers claimed by BMW, 228 horsepower, and just under 200 torque really doesn’t seem like all that much from an engine as technologically advanced as it is. The only real problem here is occasional throttle hesitation, which I suspect is related to an electronic throttle.
Look at this paltry, pedestrian, peasant, proliferation of Hondas. Scoff.
Concerning the bits after the engine, the 6 speed automatic shifts quickly and performs as well as can be expected from a slushbox. Playing around with the manual shift doesn’t really get you anywhere, although the downshifts are smooth, and I must give the engineers credit for making the push directions correct, forward for down, back for up. It comes in handy when you see a pass coming up, but isn’t much up for aggressive driving. The transmission feeds power to an AWD system, which holds well with just a hint of broken contact on sleet covered country roads. Personally I would still opt for RWD myself. AWD systems are form of manufacturer profiteering, clueless drivers seeing it as the end all, be all solution to any weather conditions, up to and including blizzards, roads made of ice, mudslides, avalanches, Biblical flooding, and ash deposits resulting from the imminent eruption of Yellowstone National Park.
The lights were very poorly adjusted. They were lighting up the first 10 feet ahead of me, but not much other than that
Finally, let’s go to the looks. Here is where you might find yourself the most disappointed with the 3-Series. Ugliness isn’t it’s sin, no, it’s not quite so bad as that. The car looks EXACTLY like a 3. That is the problem. The 3 truly took over the world of sedans at the turn of the millennium, and the E90 launched in 2006, under the churning clouds of imminent financial collapse. The designer of this car had the right idea at the time, drawing an unmistakable shape, but one that is more restrained than I had to be that one time I got in a bar fight with Alec Baldwin after he refused to tell me who his tailor is. Just looking like a normal car on the outside allowed investment bankers to slip stealthily through highways of Camrys and Malibus. Today, we have passed our stage of modesty, and whoever can be the most ostentatious is again king, a climate which is not kind to the early E90.
In the end, the E90 is a good car. Like all proper BMWs, you get out thinking “ Every regular car should drive like this ”. In the end, most of it’s customers would benefit from less dynamic focus, but unlike the Jeep, the experience isn’t completely ruined for it. If anything, most of those owners haven’t noticed, and maybe a few that have noticed realized what fun driving could be.
AM3R shamefully returns
> Swayze Train GTi
12/02/2015 at 21:51 |
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it went 325i->328i and 330i->335i.
I have an E90 328i and an E92 335i. Great cars.
sm70- why not Duesenberg?
> Swayze Train GTi
12/02/2015 at 21:52 |
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Friend of mine has this exact car in silver. Never actually talked to him about it, interestingly enough.
Jonathan Harper
> Swayze Train GTi
12/02/2015 at 22:04 |
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He’ll have three pedals and his hand on a knob.
E92M3
> Swayze Train GTi
12/02/2015 at 22:11 |
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I have to agree with you about the cupholders. Not everybody smokes. EVERYBODY drinks fluids. Porsche is guilty of a similar desgin, but theirs holds an assortment of drink sizes better. Don’t try putting a travel mug full of coffee in the E9X.
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Swayze Train GTi
> AM3R shamefully returns
12/02/2015 at 22:11 |
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Ahh I see, I was a bit confused by that
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Swayze Train GTi
> E92M3
12/02/2015 at 22:13 |
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It’s seriously unforgivable. Every single German car I have been in seems to have cupholders expressly designed to be terrible, as if they’re giving them to us begrudgingly
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E92M3
> AM3R shamefully returns
12/02/2015 at 22:16 |
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Indeed, I think they are better than the current generation.
Matt Nichelson
> Swayze Train GTi
12/02/2015 at 22:16 |
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You, sir, are almost exactly spot on. Granted I have the coupe with rwd and I do love the looks of it, but I can relate with what you are saying. I would, however, like to add a third thing since mine has it. Who the hell at BMW thought it was a brilliant idea to add paddle shift to this car with only the option to shift up???? I can not for the life of me understand it. It’s like they almost want you to have fun, but not really. Thankfully aside from those few things I really enjoy mine so far.
Steve in Manhattan
> Swayze Train GTi
12/02/2015 at 22:22 |
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The SigOther laughs at me because, when we walk down the street, I look in the window of every 3 series to see if it has a stick. I think it’s about 5 percent of them.
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Swayze Train GTi
> Matt Nichelson
12/02/2015 at 22:24 |
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The car I was in doesn’t have a paddleshift option, just the faux manual option on the regular gearshift, which shifts up and down.
As far as the looks go, it is a well styled car. I just wish they’d done a little more to it. It seems as though they were trying to avoid all risk (and given that criteria they did as well as could be done), but you’ve gotta let yourself get a bit outside your comfort zone sometimes.
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AM3R shamefully returns
> E92M3
12/02/2015 at 22:24 |
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I haven’t spent too much time in the F30 but I agree, that’s why I have 2 E9x’s :)
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Swayze Train GTi
> Steve in Manhattan
12/02/2015 at 22:26 |
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I don’t know what the percentage is, but it’s not enough. It truly is a shame, because I can’t wait to drive a real manual BMW, all I’ve had is a POS X3. The clutch in that thing was intolerable, as was the throttle response and gear linkage
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Matt Nichelson
> Swayze Train GTi
12/02/2015 at 22:30 |
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Yeah thifter is the same, mine just has the extra option of the paddle shifters. You wouldn’t have been impressed if it did have it, I assure you. It’s just frustrating that they took the time to add that option, only to not let you shift down with them. I agree that there is a little more that could have been done. Mine doesn’t have the screen either, but I do like that mine has the silver trim with a black interior as opposed to the faux wood though.
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Steve in Manhattan
> Swayze Train GTi
12/02/2015 at 22:31 |
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I have driven the following BMW manuals - 2002, 528i, 320i, 733i, 335i (think that was the model) and a 90s 5 series that I don’t remember.
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E92M3
> Swayze Train GTi
12/02/2015 at 23:09 |
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“Zee Americanz want cupholders, we’ll give them zee cupholders, let’s see them fit their 64oz big gulps in these” muah
Yes I daily a Prius and I like it, hate me.
> Matt Nichelson
12/03/2015 at 10:50 |
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I have a 08 328i Wagon and the paddle shifters do shift up and down. Pulling towards you shifts up, pushing down away from you shifts down. BUT the left and right paddle do the same thing!! You can push forward and pull back on both the left and right paddle. Other than that I love it. It makes a great roadtrip car, albeit a bit small for 4 full grown humans.
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Matt Nichelson
> Yes I daily a Prius and I like it, hate me.
12/03/2015 at 11:12 |
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Seriously? Wow, I did not know that. Damn I feel like a real idiot now. I am going to see if this is the case with mine in a few. If yours does it, though, I’m sure mine will as well.
*Edit
Yes, mine does it. Thanks for giving me that info! I never even thought about pushing it forward. Ugh I am so dumb.